Pregnancy After Infertility

The Moment I found out I was pregnant I burst out in tears. Tears of both disbelief and joy. After crying for three years over not seeing two lines pop up on my pregnancy test there they were. I was pregnant. It took my husband and me 5 years, 3 IUI‘s, 1 miscarriage, and one round of IVF to finally see a positive pregnancy test after our first frozen embryo transfer. Today I am here to tell my personal story about pregnancy after infertility.

A story by Cosima Wright

Anticipation…

After ten days of constantly paying attention to every sign my body may give and obsessing over trying to feel if anything felt different than usual, I couldn’t hold on anymore and snuck out of bed at 5:00 AM to take a pregnancy test. It had been 13 days since our egg transfer and I knew the pregnancy test would be positive if I was actually pregnant. At that moment I wanted to be all alone. I didn’t even want my husband next to me. I knew he wanted me to wait until the blood test which we had scheduled only a few hours later at our fertility clinic, it would be much more accurate than an over-the-counter pregnancy test, but I just couldn’t wait…Not even another couple of hours.

I had to know and prepare myself…

After I took the pregnancy test I immediately turned it upside down on the bathroom counter. Then, I held my breath while simultaneously trying to remind myself to breathe. I set a 3-minute alarm on my phone. I think those were the longest 3 minutes in my life. When I turned the test around and looked down there they were… two lines, I couldn’t believe it. Finally, I was pregnant again, this time with a supposedly healthy embryo. I started crying and snuck back to bed, where my Husband opened his eyes, looked at me, and said, “You are pregnant!”

This was just the beginning of my pregnancy journey after infertility…

The fertility clinic

A few hours later, we drove to the fertility clinic; my husband and I were both over the moon happy! At our appointment, they took a blood test and confirmed that indeed I was really pregnant!. I had great beta results, and all signs pointed to a healthy pregnancy unfolding itself in my body. Relief set in.

As the afternoon came around…

As the afternoon came around, my joy turned into worry. This worry only took a couple of hours longer to turn into straight-out fear. Fear of everything that could go wrong, fear of losing my baby again before it even started to grow. This was just the beginning of my pregnancy with infertility story.

For the next five days…

As the days went by I tried to calm myself, trying to distract myself with work, and also tried to be happy. I wanted this SOO badly, I told myself over and over to be happy, but I wasn’t, nothing worked. My days were spent worrying, and when I wasn’t worrying I was spending my time mad at myself. I would tell myself over and over “Why can’t you just be happy? You wanted this so badly! Stop worrying!”. Many evenings I would sit on the sofa crying while telling my husband that I just couldn’t stop feeling terrified. I would tell him that I didn’t know how to actually enjoy pregnancy.

Am I losing my baby?

Five days after my positive pregnancy test, I had a few hours of the tiniest amount of bleeding, which led me into a complete panic. I had convinced myself I would lose my pregnancy, I asked myself, “Am I losing this baby, MY baby?” I then called my doctor, who told me I should take it lightly and try not to worry since spotting in early pregnancy is normal. She told me that I should call her if the bleeding got heavier. In our call, she also asked me if I had shoulder pain, which led to researching, which led to more panic. I had now convinced myself that I had an ectopic pregnancy. 

Two more long weeks

Two more weeks went by like this before we finally had our first ultrasound. The days prior, I had more shooting shoulder pain. I was practically convinced that they would tell me that they were sorry, but the pregnancy isn’t valid. 

Ultrasound time

On the day of our ultrasound, we had to wait to be seen at our clinic. Normally there wasn’t a wait,  but this day it took what felt like forever. Finally, they called our name and brought us to the ultrasound room. Luckily my doctor was already present. It only took a couple of seconds before it was confirmed, there was the embryo, and there it was, a heartbeat as it turned out that my shoulder pain was related to my fear which caused me to tense up and develop knots in my shoulder, which I never had before.

Finally some relief

I was so relieved, but still, I remained skeptical. I had good days and bad days, but fear was imminent. After the twelve weeks mark, I started to feel better. I was much more relaxed through my second trimester. Although often worried that I didn’t feel enough movement, so the kick count apps became my best friends. With the apps’ help, I managed to stay calm most of the time, and we started to think about baby names, baby furniture, and strollers, which was a good distraction.

The third trimester

My third trimester came around, and I started worrying again; I would think, “what if something happened now, now that we almost made it, what if the baby passed away in the last weeks or even during birth.” I sat with myself in these thoughts, too scared to say a word. Often I tried to push those thoughts away, but I just wanted to get it all over with. I wanted my pregnancy to be done. All I wanted was for my husband and me to finally have our baby in our arms. The baby that we had wished for and tried to have for a long long time. 

Finally…

The birth came, and my baby girl was born. We finally had her in our arms, our perfect baby girl. And then, the blues started… To be continued…

This is my unique story. Everyone’s story is different.

This is my story about pregnancy after infertility

I wrote this blog in hopes of helping other parents out there who are going through similar battles. I want to remind all pregnant moms out there who have or are going through infertility or are now going through pregnancy after infertility to try and be understanding, and gentle with yourselves. You have been through a lot. It’s ok to be scared, why wouldn’t you be. It’s ok to not only enjoy being pregnant but also to feel afraid, sad, and alone. I know you have wanted this so bad. I remember the feeling like it was yesterday, the feelings that arise can be so confusing. Please, please be gentle with yourself. If I could tell you one thing it would be for you to know that you are not alone. Please ask for help and share with those closest to you. If you want to talk my inbox is always open. You are not alone. Thank you for reading my story: pregnancy after infertility.

Thank you Cosima for joining us this week and telling your raw and vulnerable story into parenthood, and thank you to those who have read. We hope this blog, “pregnancy after infertility” can provide some comfort to those out there who are experiencing similar. For more information on all things pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and parenthood please visit our other weekly blogs.