Postpartum After Infertility

This week I am here to share my journey with postpartum after infertility.

Written by: Cosima Wright.

I tried to get pregnant for close to 4 years. During this time I imagined that once I got pregnant and became a mom my world would be perfect. If I was brutally honest with myself in those moments it had already daunted me that it wasn’t as simple as that, however, I anyways held on to the thought of the perfect world with my future baby in my arms. Unfortunately, this wasn’t my postpartum experience and isn’t the experience of many postpartum parents. This week I am here to talk with you about my personal experience of having a baby after infertility.

My initial feelings after birth

After my infertility journey, and a pregnancy that was filled with tons of worries and fears the day finally came and my daughter was born. I held my baby in my arms after all this time. I couldn’t believe that I finally was where I wanted to be, but just one thing… where was the overwhelming love I imagined?

While in the hospital

The first two days after my baby was born were spent in the hospital. During this time I was in a weird mood of disbelief that I actually finally made it. I couldn’t stop looking at my baby, she was perfect and I was finally a mom, however, I didn’t feel how I imagined it to feel. She felt and looked like a little, perfect stranger. My husband’s family came to visit in the hospital and everyone was over the moon to meet her, they seemed more excited than I felt. I started to feel worried that something was wrong with me. 

Coming home

After we came home with our little baby I instantly felt a huge sense of responsibility, but still, I wasn’t over the moon happy. This was a shock to me, I had imagined this feeling differently the entire four years that I had tried so hard to become pregnant. I was still healing from childbirth and dealing with the huge changes in our daily life. After the first three days home I was exhausted, I felt an overwhelming sense of responsibility and anxiety. I almost felt like my life as I knew it ended and would never come back again. This made me feel sad and so guilty. I couldn’t stop wondering what was wrong with me.

We had wanted a baby for so long, and now I was worried my life before would never be the same again. I wasn’t sleeping a lot, which is typically normal with a newborn, however, during this time I didn’t feel tired, nor hungry.

Grandparents arrival

 My parents flew in a few days after childbirth and took over. I remember telling my mom that I didn’t feel like myself and that I wasn’t sure if I would again. My mom just smiled and nodded. I was nervous and would cry easily, I  felt like I would be a bad mom because I didn’t feel that overwhelming love I had imagined the past four years.

Postpartum baby blues

 The truth was that I was dealing with baby blues, and possibly even postpartum anxiety. I now know very well that both of these can turn your world upside down. I also know now that postpartum blues are a very normal occurrence and many moms feel sad and weepy for the 2-3 weeks after the baby is born. Baby blues are caused by the sudden change in hormones and a lack of sleep, stress, and isolation. Postpartum blues typically around 1 week postpartum and will slowly decrease until it is usually gone by 2-3 weeks postpartum.

Proper postpartum support

After my mom came to town and took over with helping I began to feel much better. Although, I  wouldn’t have my family come right after childbirth again. Even though the support of my parents was great, it also brought overwhelming feelings. What I really needed during my postpartum period was support. I needed sleep. I needed somebody to understand me, listen to me, and for someone to tell me that other families go through similar while recognizing that I was having my own individualized experience. What I  needed was a Postpartum Doula. Infertility troubles made it so I focused solely on my pregnancy and not my postpartum period, but I can assure you that proper postpartum care with a trained expert and professional is at the top of the list for my next postpartum period.

Things began to look up…

 After the initial three weeks, I started to feel like myself again. The feeling of joy and love kicked in, and even though the nights were rough, I remember being so excited to wake up in the morning to see my beautiful baby. I want to remind you all not everyone feels that instant overwhelming love when they see their baby. This feeling is ok, and so much more common than talked about. Many require a transitional period of bonding and getting to know their babies before feeling that overwhelming feeling of love. This is normal too!

Looking back on my journey postpartum after infertility

I didn’t prepare well for my postpartum period. While I was pregnant I was so focused on becoming a mom and worrying about my pregnancy that I forgot to prepare and inform myself for the beginning of motherhood. Preparing for birth is important however preparing for postpartum is key. When you prepare for the beginning of Motherhood and invest in much-needed help you are setting your family up for success and the ability to thrive and not just survive postpartum.

Thank you for reading my story!

-Cosima Wright

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